Step Mum In Training - Perception Verses Reality (2)

Part 2 of my blog. You are welcome to read if you would like to and you are welcome to share but please be gentle. This is a very personal account of my struggle as a new step mum.

* Warning. Contains honesty *

Hallmark moments are so often the aim but in reality are largely unobtainable.  Although filled to the brim of best efforts and intentions, when family life comes crashing in, those idylic moments of how we imagine something will be are far from what Hollywood movies would fool us into perceiving what life is really like.
Of course the problem with hallmark moments is that they are impossible to reach.



(Some of this was written over the weekend it relates to and was highly emotional for a number of reasons).

 

Apologies for the bittiness but this is my average month.

 

It's the end of June ....

 

May started at an annual Bible conference.  What should have been a spiritually uplifting fun filled weekend by the beach ended up being from the start a stress induced, emotionally frustrating series of flash anger points resembling rapidly firing pyrotechnics.

 

Perception vs reality.  Sharing a bedroom with the children for any more than a few hours Will lead to arguments.

 

I'd been looking forward to the weekend for months and no one was going to spoil it.  How foolish I was to think it would be the same as all the others just with more people.  Children in the mix change Everything! 

I'm ashamed of myself. I got so annoyed with the elder son.  We were on the beach having lunch with our friends and he was throwing stones.  We asked him not to, and again,  and again. If nothing else because as there was a much younger child in our group copying him but he didn't stop.  Moving round behind us he started throwing them in our direction but not quite to us.  'Stop throwing stones please'. Nothing.  He pretended to throw a stone at us but let it fall behind his head ( he was half laying on the beach), letting one now and then hit my bag.  'Stop throwing stones,  one will slip out of your hand and hit one of us.  I don't want to spend the afternoon at the hospital! ' I was getting really annoyed by this point and that there was the moment it went very wrong.  Looking me straight in the eye, he picked up a stone and pretended to throw it at my face. He didn't let go of it but I flinched,  he laughed and that act of defiance made me so angry. He carried on laughing in my face and I felt totally worthless. The red mist descended and I was furious.  I don't know if it was fortunate my husband saw how angry I was or if I suddenly saw sense but I backed off, to allow myself time to cool off. What was I doing?! I'm such a bad parent I wanted to run off down the beach and keep going until I couldn't get back, ever. 

The rage inside me terrified me.  I'd become so angry I barely recognised myself.  How can a child do that?  He went back up the beach in a strop,  me in a daze, shaking inside and holding back the tears.
 

I can't do this.  They are going to drive me insane.  I hate who I'm becoming...and in my anxiety filled head that means I hate myself.

In hindsight perhaps it wasn't as bad,  it certainly wasn't from hubby's perspective but from mine it was awful.

Older son keeps mispronouncing Schnitzel. It's funny, he can't work out why we're laughing,  we can't tell him.

I can't stand 'Everything is Awesome' from the LEGO movie.  Whenever hubs puts it on for the boys I can feel a nervous twitch developing.

Perception : after finishing washing of hands, dry hands on towel provided that is hanging on rail. 
Reality: remind child to go and wash their hands, remind again and justify why it's necessary. Once completed,  every towel in the neatly folded pile on shelf in bathroom gets pulled out, used and either stuffed back on shelf or dropped on the floor in a heap.

Perception : children aged 7 & 10 are able to aim straight into the toilet bowl.
Reality: if they are distracted pee goes over the seat,  the side and floor which nobody notices until I go in the bathroom and it smells & looks like a men's urinal. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!  And for Heaven's sake Flush the toilet!! 

 

Son speaks to me with contempt. It grates on my nerves.

An obvious revelation. It's our fault the older behaves as he does.  He mirrors us.  We lose it.  We are hypocrites. How can we expect him to behave better when we get angry and do what he does.

 

Help! The dishwasher has stopped working,  mount crockery is groaning again & to join it in the messy house club we also have 2 huge piles of clothes waiting to be put away overtaking the living room and our bedroom along with the washing hanging up in every space on the lounge.  On the plus side I finally managed to get another hoover to replace the broken one that, despite our best efforts makes the floor look significantly better than what we'd managed previously complete with a little fluff and gubbins border refusing to move as if sewn into the Bayeux Tapestry. Who would have thought a vacuum cleaner could bring such joy.

Hubs is in the first year of being self employed so he is working every hour he is awake and I work full time and then come home and attempt to plough through the housework for a few hours until bed.  Am I really being unreasonable asking the boys to help out around the house?  Apparently so.  'Nag nag nag' is a familiar response.

Can I have a phone?  No

Its a school night,  You have to be in by ...... time.
Appears half an hour late.
No more going out after school.

 

Our eldest and I clash,  a lot.  We drive each other crazy,  I don't annoy him on purpose but it's like a headlong collision in slow motion that suddenly speeds up every time we're in the same room. 

I want to scream.  I can't do this.  Please someone save me from myself.

Today I just don't care. I'm disillusioned and fed up of their 'why should I care' attitude.  Yes I know they're children and don't understand that the world doesn't revolve around them but why am I so often left feeling like the bad guy when I am just trying to help?
 

Then in a morning daily reading on a day in was feeling irritated,  we read this:

How to Please God
‘If you suffer for doing good and endure it patiently, God is pleased with you.’  1 Peter 2:20 NLT

You become like the people you spend the most time with, so choose your friends carefully. If you spend time with angry, resentful people you risk becoming an angry, resentful person yourself. That’s because attitudes are contagious. Here’s a wonderful story that illustrates the point. A man purchased a newspaper at a newsstand every day. He always greeted the vendor very courteously, but in return received very gruff and discourteous service; the vendor would rudely shove the newspaper in his face. The man, however, would politely smile and wish him a nice day. This went on for several days until a friend asked, ‘Does he always treat you this rudely?’ The man replied, ‘Unfortunately, he does.’ The questioner asked, ‘Are you always so polite and friendly to him?’ The man replied, ‘Yes, I am.’ The questioner continued, ‘Why are you so nice to him when he’s so rude to you?’ The man replied, ‘Because I don’t want him to decide how I’m going to act.’ The Bible says: ‘If you suffer for doing good and endure it patiently, God is pleased with you. For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps. He never sinned, nor ever deceived anyone. He did not retaliate when he was insulted, nor threaten revenge when he suffered. He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly’ (vv. 20-23 NLT). That’s how to please God.

 

That rare mortifying moment when you take your child to school,  they run off ahead to see their mates and you then walk past and dare to speak to them. Even 'bye' bursts the cool bubble and you get the awkward 'er yeah bye' whilst trying not to acknowledge your existence in front of his friends whilst still trying not to appear secretly happy you're there.  Only then do you remember doing the same when you were a kid and that little bit of joy that comes when you can subtly embarrass your child is worth the moment of laughing out loud as you walk away. Of course you never want to do anything that will really embarrass your child because that creates a divide and resentment but occasionally there is a moment that presents itself for a little teasing without any harm being done.
 

Husband: 'why did you pinch your brother?'
Younger one: 'he annoyed me.'
Husband: 'why did you annoy him?'
Older one: 'we were playing with the light sabers, he tried to pick it up with the force and I got there first'.
We couldn't stop laughing. 

 

Perception vs Reality: Drive to the supermarket or shopping centre for a quick visit :'Why are we going out?' 'I don't want to go shopping'.
Grab what we need : 'Please do come along, we won't be long'. 'No you can't go and buy sweets.'  'we're going this way.'
Kids wait quietly for the couple of minutes while we pay: 'please stop touching that.' 'leave your brother alone'. 'Will you stand still and stop mucking about for 5 minutes'.
Leave without any drama and back home: 'Stop it.' 'Why do you have to play up even when we're here for your benefit?'.
This is why going out for coffee without the kids is lovely. Even if only for an hour, it's like a mini holiday.
 

Older son has only a few weeks at primary school left and today he has his graduation from Future Leaders ceremony. The whole school are in attendance to support and see what they could achieve if they work hard. Considering that the boys have only been in the school for a year and it usually takes 2 years, this is quite an achievement for him. He could only bring 2 people. As my in laws have played such a huge role in his upbringing and I have only been around for a relatively short time I was happy to forfeit my ticket so one of them could go with my husband, but he would like me to go and that surprised and touched me. I felt sure he would want Grandma to go. We took our places in the school hall with the other parents. I felt a little out of place, I'd never gone to
anything like this before. It felt a bit odd when I went to my godaughter's Christmas play at nursery last year so this was weird but kind of good at the same time.

It was our Son's turn to go onto the stage and he was so proud of himself. Quite rightly so.  He behaved so well and grown up, I was very proud of him as he stood there in his gown and mortar board and shook the mayor's hand. He got his award for business and enterprise, not being able to keep to his excited self what he and his friend's had to do for their project.

             

                    

 

Son's Perception : it's the weekend,  I'm going out with my friends. 
Reality: the parents have plans & I can't go out with my friends.  They are so unfair!
Subsequent sulk for 10 mins.

Perception : the boys are in bed,  Hubby is out for the evening,  a bit of TV for me.
Reality: someone has fiddled with the TV so it only works through the Xbox and I don't know how to use it.


I am a rubbish mum. I try my best but I cannot do it.
 

I think I've been coming at this whole mum stuff from the wrong angle. The boys had a mum, they were her whole world.  She was a lovely woman taken from them too soon.  Do they really need another mother figure? Youngest never knew her so he has only ever known Hubs to be his parent. Eldest was a very little boy and remembers her as the most beautifully kind woman who loved him more than anything and took him to the park. Do I have any right to step into her long awaited shoes? They don't need another mum, they have a wonderful father who does a fantastic job. My role would be most effective as their dad's Girl Friday,  his number one fan, his support and back up so Hubby can continue being the best dad he can be. I am best being there to hold his hand when he needs support,  give him a hug when he's exhausted and at the end of his rope, and to calm the situation when it gets too heated.

 

Parenting is unbelievably hard.  From very soon after taking on these monkeys I started to ask myself how on earth I was going to do it & more than frequently concluded I couldn't. But amidst the tantrums,  school runs & arguments there are a few high points that make the chaos & shouting a little easier to bear. .......

Son introduced me to one of his friends as his mum. 

The boys 'dad dancing' with my husband.

Watching the boys make up their own dances to our 'old' music

Cuddles in the morning

Giggles

Laying on the bed cuddled up with Youngest reading Bible stories, Shakespeare and Roald Dahl to him. 

The reaction the first time they tried a Lemon. 

Eldest gave a compliment.

Youngest helping me bake.

Overhearing older helping younger to understand something. - especially if it's a rule. 

I love you's without the tantrum or sorry first. 

The boys playing nicely together.
Discovering Youngest like Van Gogh's paintings and is quite good at painting himself.

Thanks to Hubby's work,  we managed to get away for a few days without the kids to beautiful Brighton for the fringe festival.  What a treat.  Catching up on sleep, no squabbling and tantrums, no waking up at the noise of things being thrown against the adjoining bedroom door at 6am.

Children are funny creatures.  They fill our lives with noise, laughter and chaos.