Step mum in training - autumn 2018 (6)

Part 6

It's autumn. We've been in Dorset for just over a year, now settled, are starting to embrace the new opportunities that living here presents. It's funny how my hometown, that I so adamantly refused to move back to for 2 decades after moving away 21 years ago, now fits me like a glove.

The children spent the summer on the trampoline or at the beach while we worked, were in the garden or also at the beach. The advantage of living in a seaside town is that it has so much to offer in the warmer months and the beach is a must as often as possible. It also is most advantageous as we don't have to leave town to enjoy one of Britain's popular holiday destinations.

Our house is a noisy, hectic one, with the boys glued to the tv much of the time - not to be mistaken with using the tv as a babysitter, the boys seem to believe they will die if they are not attached to a screen for at least a certain amount of hours per day. The dining room was turned into a music studio/work room for Hubby & our lodger some months ago and I have sought creative solace in the quiet of our bedroom closely followed by our faithful dogs at my heels. I'd like to say also our beautifully flourishing garden but in the drought the plants have struggled or died and the weeds have run riot no matter how much I attack them.

It really upsets me when hubby & I fight. I see red & don't disengage with the eldest. I cannot hear my tone of voice, talk to the kids wrong, he comments, I get upset.  I blow my stack, we argue, I get upset, he gets angry, I withdraw & cry.

I really struggle not flaring up in anger because I don't know how to deal with what I perceive as attitude, rudeness & disrespect. I don't disengage when I should. The frustration I feel makes my blood boil and the thoughts that go through my head, although I would never act on them, make me so ashamed that I am not better at this, especially when I know how much I adore my niece, nephews & godchildren. My main couple of jobs since 2005 have required me to be caring, patient and tolerant. I can do those as second nature, so why do I find it so difficult to apply the same skills to being a parent?

Been trying to educate the boys (and the grown ups) to the importance of looking after our planet and making changes in our everyday lives to help repair the environment. This has been met with mixed success.

As we properly entered into experiencing the teenage years over the summer, it was a lovely change that he was helpful, polite and wanted to assist the husband on the BBQ. It may have been short-lived but so are all moments when teenagers emerge from emo - land and enter the real world however brief it may be.

I don't regret marrying my husband but I do frequently think someone else would have done a better job than me as a mother.