step mum in training - part 4.

These past many months I haven't written my blog. I haven't wanted to write down my thoughts and be slammed for them. 

These blogs are written from my own perspective of how I see it is being a step mum rather than the kids are this or that. It's very if not brutally honest and often written through tears before being rewritten so less pain filled. It is not appreciated by all and I have received quute considerable flack for it but thankfully on the whole people have been very encouraging and supportive.  I am not naturally a mum. I have no maternal instincts and was not designed for this role. Every day I'm witness to a torrent of evidence as to why I am not suited to this role no matter how hard I try, yet here I am, desperately trying to get something, anything right.  So this is my private & often embarrassingly public struggle with being a step mum.

To say me and the older one don't get on is an understatement. I have a limited understanding of children, zero understanding of teenagers and each day this is screaming evident. A very common exchange of words in our house goes as follows:

'Arghhhh what?!'
'All you do is nag'
'Why are you here?'
'...... you got this one wrong'
'You don't help yourself when you react'
'You always sound like you're having a go'

To be fair that's not all that is said but it is what I hear, what I filter therefore the internal tapes are having a field day. Unfortunately some months ago I got so angry I punched the panelled door except it wasn't wood. I'd completely forgotten the panels were actually painted panes of glass and my fist went straight through it. I'm not proud of myself,  all I feel is shame. Surprisingly it didn't hurt half as much as the telling off I got off my husband after, even with the shards of glass in my hand. And therefore I go to my automatic go-to solution. I withdraw, hide & cry. 

I'm trying so hard to be a proper mum, a half decent mum, but I'm just not made that way, this is however the role I'm in so I have to work it out. I pray, take it back and try to do it all myself, then realise that was foolish and the loop starts again. Perhaps I'll be better when we have grandchildren.